Rock Bottom is the Place to Be
Would it be crazy to think that hitting rock bottom is the best way to begin to comprehend true Beauty?
Well, I feel crazy *thinking* that out loud but I really do think that is the case. But I guess in my version of “hitting rock bottom” that means recognizing my nothingness, my weakness, my brokenness, and my sinfulness.
I’ve been having more of those rock bottom days lately. The managing and coping that I do all day, everyday as a special needs mom has my tank way past it’s check engine light stage. How I am still running I have no idea. One thing is for sure – I am getting stripped.
Not to get into specifics but I am at that point where I am starting not to recognize myself anymore, but I get the sense it is a good thing. I can’t seem to hold on to what I used to make me feel in control and secure. My fists are starting to unclench from their rigor mortis. I’m losing control. Actually, I think it was always gone. I just kid myself my entire life thinking that I had it all together.
It's kind of interesting how my home also reflects this interior stripping. Earlier in the year we were so close to pulling the trigger on moving out-of-state. Consequently, like the mad woman that I am, I started packing months before the “big move” to space out the work load. My home has been bare bones for most of the year. It’s been absolutely fantastic. No, not sarcastic.
While I could write a whole other post on “making room” in all areas of living, what I most want to mention here is that the stripping interiorly and the interior of my soul has made it so much easier to receive anything new God wants to glorify or enlighten in my life. Seeing the err in my ways is becoming clear and the rock bottom, though may feel like the pit of never-ending despair, has a view most wide and intricate.
In the rock bottom I am being made humble. I think that is the place where I am meant to be and should choose to be for the rest of my life. In this humility, the fists which clutched falsehoods of self-importance, self-worth, self-sufficiency are unclenching to make room to hold truth – I am nothing. I am nothing without Christ. I am a miserable soul who likens herself to a flea on a dog. But in my “flea-ness” I can finally take rest and submit to the Divine Provider who wants to heal me and love me where I am at.
In this humility, I can see everything as a gift. What were once burdens or “non-ideals” are becoming the greatest of gifts. Truthfully, recognizing these once-burdens as gifts has me mortified, shameful for denying God’s grace and mercy in my life. The mercy and grace are free. But it wasn’t good enough for me for so long.
This is why I say that hitting rock bottom is the best way to comprehend true Beauty. Beauty who is Jesus. It is through rock bottom’s humility can you encounter him, begin to heal through him, and see and receive gifts from God. These gifts are in no way “trendy” or “extra” which probably make them difficult to see with a worldly eye, but they are there. Even though this rocky place hurts, I am grateful God is lifting the scales from my eyes and heart. I just hope and pray I can continue to walk the path of humility for the rest of my days.
